this house is my name like an elegy

oh my god. OH MY GOD. ok, some of you may be wondering why i'm squealing like a fictionally infatuated rock, and MAYBE that's probably the case, but still. OMG!!Q!!!q24e

last night i found this video on my YouTube recommendations and thought, "why not," and clicked it.

best. worst. decision. of. my. LIFE. EVER!

i don't think i'll be able to live normally again after this. at least not without fawning over marshall lee. or sebastian. or both. i am this—*connects forefinger and thumb together so that there's no space in between*—close to writing a fanfic about sebastian being a dorky vampire. WITH THAT VOICE. don't even ask why i have it on loop, okay, that voice—it does THINGS to me, i might as well just retreat back to my shell and rock back and forth because *points at thermometer* HOT! and adorable. ♥️___♥️ OMGGGGGDYUGD!!! i sound like a total fangirl now, and again, maybe because I AM. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFF. my ao3's going to be filled with vampy fanfics, i can already tell. ♥️_______________♥️ SIIIIIIIIIIGH.

so earlier i was reading rants about linus, making valid points like, "he's picky and he always complains," or "he doesn't even try to socialize with the townsfolk," and then invalid points: "he doesn't have any talent or abilities, he is just a thief and an aggressor"

ok, let me come clean, he was the first person i became friends with during spring on my first year; i would give him forgeable leftovers like wild horseradish, wild leeks, some morels- all foraged from the backwoods during my free time- and i believe common crops like parsnips, potatoes, and cauliflowers. he was always inside his tent- if not, you'd see him by the fireplace (grilling the catch of the day, perhaps) or the river, seemingly deep in thought. to cut it short, he lives a carefree, modest lifestyle that goes without self-indulgence, and i think it takes a lot of courage to make that kind of leap- a lot of weighing in play, the pros and cons that must've sat on his back for months on end- but he managed to, anyway, and you've got to find that admirable. >:O!

i can't see myself fleeing this apartment without bringing my laptop for dw updates and interactions, which means the chances of my abandoning the city to live in the wild are slim to none, but it's not too impossible either. perhaps i'm too young to make that leap, or i haven't racked up enough courage and wisdom. hey, gotta trust myself first- if i don't, then i won't trust that i can survive in the wild with just a fishing rod and a temporary fireplace in which the fishes go, right? and i don't really think i have myself figured out to a great, firm degree yet; sometimes i like extravagance- heavily bound books that you could only own if you have the bucks- some other times i'm too head over heels in love with nature. on rarer occasions i seem to prefer the city life- going home late at night after a sweaty day in the mosh pit, or im'ing my friends on the computer the moment i get out of bed, yadda yadda, all that good stuff. sometimes it's confusing- how everything in my life seems to fluctuate like a pendulum, unable to settle for one place. i'm almost everywhere, alright.

that's why i find linus really amazing- he settled for that quiet lifestyle at will, remained faithful, and continued to love it. he's got a strong personality, although not in a way you'd expect. he stands by is values unrelentingly without fucking around, i'm telling you. he isn't even a doormat- he knows how to defend himself whenever someone gives him useless gemstones or expensive stuff. it might sound foolish to refuse a "valuable" item when you're a hermit or whatever (i say this because i'm not sure if he's living that way as a religious discipline), but at the same time it's also not so foolish. he chose that life for a reason- he doesn't need extravagancy, giving him stuff like that undermines the purpose of his lifestyle. duh. i know it comes off as "choosy" sometimes, but if you looked deeper, you'd see. as for the fishes, he doesn't refuse them flat-out, he's rather neutral about having some sort of fish as a gift. nevertheless, it's important to consider that he knows how to fish (i think he's friends with willy and rasmodious). he can provide that for himself. giving him fish as a gift insinuates that he's not self-sufficient. it's a different story for the horseradish and leeks, he actually appreciates them, which is terrific. it's called basic human decency and respect- that's all linus ever asks for anyway. i mean, if we went by the rant's logic, that would mean all the homeless people are "choosy" for refusing a wad of garbage. see what i mean? :D

tl;dr: linus is the best and you cannot refute that claim in front of me. ;) it's time for the linus slander to stop completely. >:|

huff. anyway, i spent some time with my chickens earlier- got two new chicks to accompany coop-er and eggstein: bex and beatrice, so hooray for that! i feel genuinely happy today, and i'm pretty confident about tomorrow. well, i feel pretty confident in general, which is really rare. i just have to snatch that perfect opportunity to catch my stride and stay in a better place for good. exciting!

edit: i forgot to tell you guys, but i've been practising figure drawing lately and so far this is my progress:


it's not so bad for a starter. i'm starting to get into arts again, which should be a good thing because it's lovely. :)

now, i know it's already 2:something-am (almost 3am actually), but i kind of want to finish the book i was reading last night. will try to hit the hay soon. smile for me. update later. xoxo <3

i'm getting all pouty from seeing all the abandoned journals from both lj and dw- all left to gather dust. how is motherfucker176 doing now? what happened to keith's girlfriend (and has she really learned?) despite motherfucker176's .001% jealousy? and ok, fucking, fucking listen ok- did motherfucker176 keep her word and never got tired of her, and i quote, incredibly sexy boyfriend? ah, well. good for them. i can only hope that they are happier now. or still happy. what? i'm an absolute sucker for happy endings- the final and they lived happily ever after before the tediously long credits, y'know? what a cliffhanger, though.

this makes me think- would i ever abandon my journal, considering how spontaneous i am with my accounts. my identity is all over the place- plastered upon the sturdy walls of the internet are my names, my journals, my little stories, along with all the others- journals that are still drying the permanent ink, journals that have been forsaken. will i ever stop typing? will i exit chrome one day, save my unpublished entry thinking that it's time to count the sheep, and never post it the next day for the walls to hear? it's a terrifying thought. there is, after all, no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. i am perfectly fine with the internet- my lovely flist- to know about my midnight escapades and where i had misplaced my other sock.
crinklefries had such a way with words. by the way, it's from their fanfiction called knights of cydonia. it's always fascinating to read other people's stuff- even their fanfiction, it's like a reflective mirror. writing is an intimate form of art, perhaps one of the purest that rests next to music and everything else that's considered artistic. its vulnerability never fails to astound me. a brief dialogue- a paragraph- an entire page; they may all reflect what the writer feels about something. the world, maybe? maybe i am thinking too much. but if i learned one thing today- it's that everything alive deserves a chance to grow, and that it's not how long you live that matters. it's what you live for.

i had never been more pleased being inside a car that reeked of guava than i was of air fresheners. wuff, if i had known all along that the scent of a certain malicious tropical fruit was mighty enough to dethrone the bane of my very existence (J'ACCUSE...! air fresheners! fabric softeners! futile, strong colognes! plastic scent that is offensive to my nostrils! et cetera) i would've hoarded guavas from various parts of the country and rendered each supermarket and cut-rate guava stands officially out-of-guavas. guava, you hear me? they smell real nice, better than a pucker of lemons, i fear- but that's probably because a piece of lemon is generally the hallmark of every air freshener company EVER (no, febreze, why would i talk about you?) that sharp, repulsive citrusy scent that violates the sanctity of my nares at every chance it gets. shiver me TIMBERS!!@

aren't lemons better off with flour, vanilla extract, eggs, and lumps of sugar? i like lemon bars. hmm, now that i think about it, i'm probably just hungry. but experimenting in the kitchen at midnight while running on three hours of sleep is probably not the wisest idea i, the great hebe, defender of guava fruits, have come up with. alas, i would just have to make do with the forlorn grilled chicken stowed away somewhere in the kitchen. i say this with the most tragic, woebegone sigh.

ps- woebegone sounds rather magical. ah, yes, a magical incantation, you dig? like, "abracadabra!" which, according to my extensive research, was written on sacred talismans to ward off malaria and other lethal disorders--a magical formula that works not only against diseases but misfortune. early roman emperors were fond of that medical teaching. who knew? quite an interesting fondness for incantations, considering how it flunked to save geta (a firm follower, i heard) from the praetorian guard. blame caracalla, right? anyway, woebegone would make a great chant, maybe it could work against extreme woes to mundane heartaches. woebegone! woebegone!

oh, who am i fooling? i'm supposed to be asleep, or indulging in some tasty grilled chicken while reading a book and then sleeping, not thinking of geta and caracalla's tragic brotherhood. a cheese for a brain is not so helpful. so many cheeseholes! my chicken brain! >:(...! but is chicken brain really an insult? aren't chickens the sweetest? i have two in my stardew coop named coop-er and eggstein. (sigh, yes i know, cleverness runs in my blood, apparently, although that should not be too surprising) oh! before it slides off the padded walls in my head, chicken oil goes particularly well with rice. the wonders of annatto seeds! condiments are godsend. :]

better get chomping. what better way to spend the midnight than by eating your favorite meal while reading your favorite book? xoxo

ew what is this? writer's block? it's the worst kind of block next to a random and unique kind of twitter block from your favorite fanfiction author (which totally did not happen).

whenever i get writer's block i usually read through people's public journals from 14-16 years ago- maybe pull out the book i've been neglecting for a week now- browse recommended books and leaf through one of them, only to put it back down because i keep getting distracted by the most random things like a notification or a loud noise from which i can't locate... or yeah, just read through people's public journals from 14-16 years ago because they're always interesting. i haven't been fancy-updating because i really don't have anything journal-worthy going for me, except for the email i received earlier this afternoon from a youth support worker from a community health assessment regarding my referral for counseling. do i have to wait for a week before receiving a preliminary diagnosis?? it's probably not that bad considering it took them one day to notice my form.

life's alright, maybe even more than ok because i'm finally getting help, but i'm still a bit scared- i don't want to get my hopes up too high. i should try the sleep thing again hahaha, i'm trying out this new thing where i don't stay awake past 4am. i had to deal with a killer headache and short-lived grogginess earlier for downing two pills last night. oh insomnia, thou art a heartless bitch. you guys get some for me. sleep, that is.

real update soon, although it might take longer. check out this video for a few laughs. :] xo leaf