![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stereoleafouch, my poor muscles
grunt is the new exercise
oh no, ouch ouch ouch
well, at least my legs are doing much better now. that's a good thing, because standing up was such a fucking job of work yesterday and ereyesterday- it was like emptying a box of thumbtacks into your legs every time you tried to move. working out has its benefits, ok, but the whole ouch-my-legs thing is clearly not one of them- unless you're a sadist. anyway, i was supposed to rest for one more day but something made me topple over- a sudden gust of information. i felt anger for the first time in a while, huh? what a surprise.
you guys, have you ever experienced knowing something you're not supposed to know, be righteously irked and frustrated about it, but then reel out after realising that your mixture of anger-guilt-frustration probably isn't valid because you're not supposed to know about it in the first place? obviously it is valid, all feelings are as soon as you feel them, but i'm also aware that i'm the one responsible for the actions i decide to act upon, which is exactly my grand dilemma because managing emotions isn't my strongest point- i don't really want to justify my actions using my BPD nor my emotional instability. luckily, i saved myself the trouble by channeling all the rage and frustration into an intense workout that dissolved all the thumbtacks in my muscles. and possibly my sanity, albeit temporarily. did it work? it sure did, i feel mightier than ever- i realised i'm fond of working out because it brings me back to a stable ground whenever things start getting messy and insecure. well, whenever i start getting messy and insecure. gah. apparently even the most fabulous person is capable of feeling insecure. but i also saved myself from falling into the dwelling pit of insecurity by working out, despite breathing raggedly and grunting out half-curses while doing bicycle crunches. so, yes, it worked! hooray! i should probably blame my brain for the whole i-know-something-i-shouldn't; i am terribly observant and i notice things people normally don't notice- top it all off with a brain that's really good with connecting information and, voila! another piece of information that brings no joy but disappointment. :(
anyway, i managed to let go of that grudge (another surprising thing) by, you guessed it, working out. i can see myself looking for a different coping mechanism, though- i don't really want to overuse that because even though it's effective, it's not inherently healthy, and determination is always better than rage-driven workout sessions. it's like channeling your willpower into a single point (thanks, Clementius of Reddit). i've also heard that if you feel a certain way during an activity, you'll likely feel the same way when you repeat that activity, so associating anger with intense abs and leg workouts probably isn't the habit i want to form. i am a gloriously unsurpassable hero, not a seething barbarian. :) besides, i don't think i have any reason to remain angry anymore, it's none of my business now- my business is me and only myself. people will always have free will- they can betray and forsake me all they want, but i'm growing less and less frightened of abandonment. it's always been my thing: as long as i am intact, my body and my soul, i can rise from the ashes like a phoenix. i finally have that part patched, i'm feeling better about myself, and there's one last thing to question: vulnerability. being vulnerable in front of someone is easier said than done, especially when you have unresolved trauma and trust issues. while i don't have the gift of forethought, i also don't have the gift of prophecy to accurately predict whether or not it would be worth it to show your vulnerable face in front of a certain someone.
oh fuck it. like they say, not knowing is part of the fun. buh. i think i'll spend a couple more years in my shell, carefully building myself, yadda yadda. i am still young, after all- i'd like to focus on myself first, fuck everything. kindness is still on top of my priorities. :) that includes being kind to myself and to everyone else.
more fancy-updating later. xoxo leofe <3
grunt is the new exercise
oh no, ouch ouch ouch
well, at least my legs are doing much better now. that's a good thing, because standing up was such a fucking job of work yesterday and ereyesterday- it was like emptying a box of thumbtacks into your legs every time you tried to move. working out has its benefits, ok, but the whole ouch-my-legs thing is clearly not one of them- unless you're a sadist. anyway, i was supposed to rest for one more day but something made me topple over- a sudden gust of information. i felt anger for the first time in a while, huh? what a surprise.
you guys, have you ever experienced knowing something you're not supposed to know, be righteously irked and frustrated about it, but then reel out after realising that your mixture of anger-guilt-frustration probably isn't valid because you're not supposed to know about it in the first place? obviously it is valid, all feelings are as soon as you feel them, but i'm also aware that i'm the one responsible for the actions i decide to act upon, which is exactly my grand dilemma because managing emotions isn't my strongest point- i don't really want to justify my actions using my BPD nor my emotional instability. luckily, i saved myself the trouble by channeling all the rage and frustration into an intense workout that dissolved all the thumbtacks in my muscles. and possibly my sanity, albeit temporarily. did it work? it sure did, i feel mightier than ever- i realised i'm fond of working out because it brings me back to a stable ground whenever things start getting messy and insecure. well, whenever i start getting messy and insecure. gah. apparently even the most fabulous person is capable of feeling insecure. but i also saved myself from falling into the dwelling pit of insecurity by working out, despite breathing raggedly and grunting out half-curses while doing bicycle crunches. so, yes, it worked! hooray! i should probably blame my brain for the whole i-know-something-i-shouldn't; i am terribly observant and i notice things people normally don't notice- top it all off with a brain that's really good with connecting information and, voila! another piece of information that brings no joy but disappointment. :(
anyway, i managed to let go of that grudge (another surprising thing) by, you guessed it, working out. i can see myself looking for a different coping mechanism, though- i don't really want to overuse that because even though it's effective, it's not inherently healthy, and determination is always better than rage-driven workout sessions. it's like channeling your willpower into a single point (thanks, Clementius of Reddit). i've also heard that if you feel a certain way during an activity, you'll likely feel the same way when you repeat that activity, so associating anger with intense abs and leg workouts probably isn't the habit i want to form. i am a gloriously unsurpassable hero, not a seething barbarian. :) besides, i don't think i have any reason to remain angry anymore, it's none of my business now- my business is me and only myself. people will always have free will- they can betray and forsake me all they want, but i'm growing less and less frightened of abandonment. it's always been my thing: as long as i am intact, my body and my soul, i can rise from the ashes like a phoenix. i finally have that part patched, i'm feeling better about myself, and there's one last thing to question: vulnerability. being vulnerable in front of someone is easier said than done, especially when you have unresolved trauma and trust issues. while i don't have the gift of forethought, i also don't have the gift of prophecy to accurately predict whether or not it would be worth it to show your vulnerable face in front of a certain someone.
oh fuck it. like they say, not knowing is part of the fun. buh. i think i'll spend a couple more years in my shell, carefully building myself, yadda yadda. i am still young, after all- i'd like to focus on myself first, fuck everything. kindness is still on top of my priorities. :) that includes being kind to myself and to everyone else.
more fancy-updating later. xoxo leofe <3
